


i just don't want you to care

by notquitepunkrock



Series: And One Time... [10]
Category: Panic! at the Disco
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Asexual Character, Bad Parenting, Bisexual Female Character, Crushes, Divorce, Female-Centric, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Hopeful Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Pre-Femslash, is there an audience for this?, probably not, sort of almost, this series needed more about the girls okay, welcome to rarepair hell tbh, well biromantic but still, you can safely assume Sarah is gay
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-17
Updated: 2017-01-17
Packaged: 2018-09-18 06:41:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,778
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9372647
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/notquitepunkrock/pseuds/notquitepunkrock
Summary: She felt bad not telling Sarah about the weekend, and especially about her mother, but what if she was overreacting? What if her mom showed up home tonight, or tomorrow, and she got Sarah worried over nothing? It felt wrong to keep her out, but it was better than letting her in and then finding out nothing was really wrong.Or the one where Breezy's mom is a bitch, Breezy doesn't want Sarah to worry about her, and Sarah worries anyway.





	

**Author's Note:**

> I should be asleep right now whoops its fine
> 
> To new people, welcome to the angst fest! Be sure to check out the rest of this series if you want more tears. Fair warning, there's a lot.  
> To old friends, hi sorry I'll update For The Fallen Ones soon I promise. This is like,,, a companion to that, almost, as it takes place around the same time frame. I just,,, the girls have been neglected thus far okay?? <3333

“Hey, Breezy,” Sarah smiled, whipping around in her desk. Her smile was wide as she settled her arms on her best friend’s desk. Breezy grinned back, flicking Sarah’s hair out of her eyes. “What’cha do this weekend?”

“We visited my grandparents,” she shrugged, tugging on the end of her hair. “You knew that.” 

Sarah shrugged, tilting her head a little. “Yeah but I didn’t know  _ which  _ grandparents? Were they the cool ones, or the ones who think that the wage gap doesn’t exist, and that gay is a choice or whatever?” 

Breezy made a face, and Sarah nodded. “I’m sorry, babe,” she smiled, just as the bell rang and the teacher walked into the classroom. The other girl sent her one last comforting smile, and turned back around, smiling brightly at the teacher. Breezy rolled her eyes - Sarah always seemed to be smiling - and sunk down into her seat, letting her bangs fall into her face.

The teacher began to drone on about something about the GDP, writing review questions on the board that they were  _ supposed  _ to be answering. Honestly, Breezy couldn’t quite bring herself to care the way she normally would. Her brain was elsewhere today, stuck two towns away in the small (oppressive, claustrophobic) living room of her maternal grandparents. As her classmates worked diligently on the worksheet the teacher had just been passed out - “work diligently” being a loose term, considering Brendon and Josh were also in this class - Breezy ducked her head and lost herself in her thoughts.

_ “You’re what?” Her grandmother raised her eyebrows in surprise, pursing her lips and turning towards Breezy’s mother. “Tula, what did this girl just say?”  _

_ Breezy’s mother frowned, gnawing on her lip and exchanging a glance with her daughter. “Mother, she said… Well, Breezy, tell them,” she said softly, nudging her gently in the arm.  _

_ Breezy felt her face flush, and ducked her head uncomfortably. “I’m, um,” she closed her eyes, not willing to face her family staring at her from around the small room. “I’m asexual biromantic, so I’d really appreciate it if you’d just stop talking bad about the LGBT+ community now, thank you,” she mumbled, wanting to sink into the overstuffed armchair she was perched in.  _

_ “What the hell does that mean?” Her grandfather’s voice was harsh as he spat the words out, making Breezy flinch. She reminded herself that he couldn’t do anything to her, that he wasn’t that cruel, that some people, people like Frank and Jamia, had much worse family situations than a mean grandfather she only saw once a month at the most. _

_ Breezy’s family looked at her expectantly, and she swallowed the lump in her throat. She wanted nothing more than to just disappear, but there was nothing she could do. Her mother’s eyes were hard, but her father looked encouraging and her brother just looked concerned. “It means,” she paused, clearing her throat as her voice died. “It means that I wouldn’t mind dating a boy  _ or  _ a girl, but I’m not, um, sexually attracted to anyone.” She felt her cheeks heat up, an even more brilliant red than when she first came out to her parents and siblings, which had been incredibly embarrassing. _

_ Her grandfather’s face turned a shade of red to rival her own. “Get out of my house,” he said coolly. When she opened her mouth, he continued, gruff voice low and terrifying. “Get out. You aren’t my granddaughter. My granddaughter isn’t broken. My granddaughter isn’t a dyke.” _

_ Breezy’s father helped her leave the house, as her legs were shaking too much to stand properly. Her siblings followed close behind, but her mother didn’t follow. She had stayed behind. Two days later, and she still hadn’t returned home. _

Breezy hadn’t told Sarah about her mother’s absence. She was still trying to make sense of it herself. Her mother had been relatively cool about her coming out initially, she thought. Sure, there was a comment of “oh, just wait until you find the right boy,” and the gentle ignorance of the fact that she was also into girls any time the topic of crushes or dances or what have you came up, but she assumed that otherwise it didn’t particularly bother her. It definitely hadn’t bothered her father, who was careful to acknowledge the possibility that his daughter could bring home a nice boy  _ or girl _ , and had promised he still loved her anyway.

Maybe seeing her own father react so badly to Breezy had made her mother realize how against it she really felt. Maybe she wouldn’t ever come back. Maybe it was Breezy’s fault.

She was shaken from these thoughts by the bell ringing and Sarah gently tapping her on the shoulder. “Breeze, it’s time to go,” she said carefully, concern softening her eyes at the edges. The older girl frowned and shook herself firmly, quickly shoving her untouched worksheet into her binder and zipping up her backpack. 

“Yeah, sorry, I spaced out,” she mumbled, tossing the bag over her shoulder and following Sarah to their second period. Art would get her mind off of it, she decided, hand tightening around the strap of her backpack. 

Her best friend chattered away unconcernedly, though Breezy saw Sarah shooting her looks out of the corner of her eye. When they dumped their things at their desks in the art room, Sarah stared at her for a moment, as if she was trying to pinpoint what was wrong with her friend. Breezy sent her a weak smile. She could almost see the gears turning in her friend’s head, trying to figure out how to get it out of Breezy.

If she was part of the Group, there wouldn’t be a problem, Breezy knew. Sarah would sic Lindsey Ballato or Patrick Stump on her, and the events of the weekend would come spilling out of her in a matter of hours under their concerned gazes. But she was just friends with Sarah, not with the rest of them. That wouldn’t be as effective.

Sarah spent the rest of the day asking quietly nosy questions, and Breezy spent the rest of the day trying to dodge them. She felt bad not telling Sarah about the weekend, and especially about her mother, but what if she was overreacting? What if her mom showed up home tonight, or tomorrow, and she got Sarah worried over nothing? It felt wrong to keep her out, but it was better than letting her in and then finding out nothing was really wrong. 

Two days turned into two weeks, and two weeks turned into two months. Breezy’s mother was still missing, and as far as she knew, there was no sign of her. Still, she didn’t tell Sarah what had happened, instead making excuses to never bring her back to her house and lying about her mother being out for work on days when there was no way to keep Sarah out completely. 

Every time she lied, she felt her heart twinge painfully, but Sarah just couldn’t know. There was too much else going on now, what with Brendon’s mysterious injuries and Spencer keeping his distance and a million other things going on with her friends. Breezy was a separate friendship, one that she could go to when she didn’t want to be alone and needed to recharge in order to keep her smile on her face. Breezy couldn’t take that away from her by piling on her own problems, especially since her mother could still come back. She would do anything to keep Sarah smiling. 

Still, it got hard sometimes. It was especially difficult when her brother forgot and mentioned Mom coming back, or when her older sister watched her with sad eyes when she came home from school on the weekends, as if she was expecting Breezy to break. It was especially hard when she noticed the way her father’s bright grins didn’t quite reach his tired eyes, and he looked at Breezy without seeing her. It was hardest when her youngest sister whined for their mom after having a nightmare, and Breezy had to usher her into her room and curl around her, falling asleep only after her tears had long since stopped. 

Finally, it was hard to really keep Sarah away anymore. She had been keeping Sarah at arms length, not letting her come over for more than a few hours at a time at the most. Eventually, she just ran out of excuses, especially once she found out that Breezy was going to be home alone for the weekend. 

Things had been fine at first. They’d made cookies and watched a stupid movie that they both loved and played MarioKart and Grand Theft Auto V on the big television in the game room, the one that Breezy’s brother normally took over. 

Unfortunately, things went downhill fast.

Breezy was in the kitchen, pouring a bag of popcorn into a big bowl, when she heard the front door open. She frowned, pulling a steak knife from the knife block and creeping towards the arch that led to the entryway. Hiding the knife behind her back, she peered into the entryway for the intruder. She recognized the long, dark hair and gasped. 

The woman jumped at the sound and whipped around from where she was carefully placing picture frames into a box on the floor. Breezy let go of the knife and let it clatter to the floor, the sound bringing Sarah running. 

“Mom?” she whispered, tears filling her gray eyes. Sarah came to a stop at her shoulder and frowned, eyes darting between the woman and the teenager quickly.

Breezy’s mother cursed under her breath. “Breezy,” she said, voice a little shaky. She sent her daughter a pained smile. “Honey. What are you doing here? I didn’t think anyone was supposed to be home.”

Breezy frowned, swallowing the lump in her throat that had become all too familiar over the last two months. “I had a project. Dad let me stay home. You-” she paused, eying the box that still lay at her mother’s feet. “You were taking our pictures.” 

“Breeze, what’s going on?” Sarah asked quietly, soft voice barely cutting through the tension that had fallen over the house. The sounds of GTA’s menu screen could be heard faintly from the game room. Breezy didn’t hear either of them.

“You were going to take your things and disappear then, is that it?” Breezy asked quietly, squeezing her eyes shut to keep herself from crying. “You were going to leave us without even saying goodbye, and why? Because I’m not the daughter you signed up for?” 

“Honey, that’s not-” her mother started, but Breezy cut her off.

“Don’t you dare,” she snapped, eyes blazing and shining with unshed tears. “What about Rory? Was one perfect daughter not good enough? Did you even think about Sunny or TJ? They miss you. How could you leave them?” She pointed at the pictures on the wall next to her mother’s head, jabbing pointedly at the fact that only her school picture remained in the spot that once held her siblings’ smiling faces as well. 

“Breezy,” Sarah tried again, putting a hand on her friend’s elbow. Breezy jumped away and wrapped her arms tightly around herself. 

Her mother sighed, rubbing at tired eyes. “You don’t understand,” she tried, holding up a hand when Breezy tried to interject. “I didn’t raise you to be this way. I failed as a mother.”

Breezy flinched, hard, and let out a long, shaky breath. “Why?” she asked, voice wobbling and breaking around the word, and each of the ones that came after it. “How did you fail? Because I’m not straight, and because I’m broken? Why are you okay with anyone being themselves as long as it isn’t me?” 

“If I had done right by you, you would be normal,” her mother insisted. Breezy hated that word - normal. As if anything that was even slightly different was wrong. As if  _ she _ was wrong. Was she wrong?

“I’m still me, Mom.”

“I know,” her mother agreed. “You are, but you’re not normal. You’re sick. I can’t...I don’t know how to fix you. Your father can fix it. I need to leave. Just for a while. Until you’re better.”

Breezy thought she felt her heart breaking. Tears slid down her cheeks and she let out a sob, slowly falling to her knees. Sarah lunged down after her, pulling her best friend into her arms and letting her sob into her chest. 

She glared at Breezy’s mother. “You should leave,” she said decisively, setting her jaw.

“Sarah, please, explain to her-” the woman began before she was cut off.

“Explain what? That her mother is a bitch? I said,  _ leave _ ,” Sarah nearly growled the last word, hugging Breezy even tighter. 

After seemingly debating the pros and cons of arguing with an angry teenage girl for a moment, Mrs. Douglas sighed and grabbed one last picture, before letting herself out of the house. The girls were left alone, the only sounds coming from the television in the back, and Breezy’s heartbreaking sobs.

“Breeze, honey,” Sarah started, stopping when she was met with only a pained whine in response. She resolved to wait until her friend calmed down some before trying again, instead attempting to decipher what had just happened.

After a few minutes, the older girl sniffled and tried to pull away, but she pulled her right back. Breezy had a feeling she wouldn’t be going anywhere for a while. “It’s my fault she’s leaving, it’s because I’m broken,” she muttered, voice breaking in the middle of the statement.

“You’re not broken,” Sarah replied firmly, squeezing her tightly. “It’s not your fault.

Breezy sniffled. “I am, though,” she insisted, resting her forehead on Sarah’s shoulder. “If I was just straight and, well, not ace, then she wouldn’t have left us two months ago.”

Sarah let out a tiny gasp, and pulled back just enough to look at Breezy’s red, tear-streaked face. “Two months?” she asked softly, mentally doing the math. Recognition dawned on her face. “Since that day at your grandparents’?”

She watched as Breezy nodded, not meeting her eyes. “B, why didn’t you tell me?” she asked, furrowing her eyebrows. Breezy shrugged.

“You had more important things to worry about,” she admitted. She wanted Sarah to hug her again. She wanted Sarah to smile. She wanted Sarah to do anything besides stare at her with a look that was a mix between hurt, betrayed, and pitying. She hated that look.

“What do you mean? Do you mean about the others?” Sarah asked. She didn’t wait for an answer. “You’re just as important to me. God, Breeze you can’t keep secrets from me. Secrets are bad.” 

Breezy recognized the anxiety creeping into her best friend’s voice and hugged her tightly, shaking her head quickly. “I’m sorry,” she said sincerely, wiping at her friend’s eyes. “I just wanted you to smile, and you couldn’t do that if you were constantly worrying about me too.”

Sarah’s breathing slowed back to a normal pace. “I worry anyway, and for good reason, apparently,” she argued, shaking her head.

Breezy sighed, pulling away from her friend and dragging herself to her feet. “Come on, let’s go shoot some more people,” she said softly, leaning down to pick up the knife she’d dropped. Sarah smiled weakly and stood as well, following Breezy back into the kitchen. As the older girl headed for the counter, Sarah caught her by the wrist and pulled her closer.

“Hey,” she said softly, “you’re not broken, okay? You’re perfect.” 

Breezy felt her cheeks turn pink. “Okay,” she replied, voice barely able to be heard. Sarah frowned at her, as if she detected the hint of disbelief buried deep in the word.

“I mean it,” she said sincerely, pulling herself up onto her toes to press a kiss onto her Breezy’s forehead. She let go of her wrist and walked into the game room, leaving Breezy a stuttering mess in the kitchen.

The rest of the night was relaxed and easy. Neither girl brought up Breezy’s family for the rest of the night, though said girl was not spared an interrogation under threat of bringing in some of Sarah’s other friends, or even calling up Ashley or Melanie to make her talk. Even after that, Breezy wasn’t better, but she could pretend things were okay again. They were getting there at least, and she knew that Sarah wouldn’t let anything stay bad for long. 

And if she thought too much about a simple forehead kiss from time to time, no one had to know.

**Author's Note:**

> comments and kudos keep me alive <3
> 
> title from Why I Don't Smile by The Brobecks


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